Couldn’t you?

We haven’t changed the world, but we were sure passive-aggressive against the VICE of this present darkness.

🎊 Let’s celebrate (but not be loud about it because that wouldn’t be humble—and we’ve gotta keep MAXXING the virtue).

👉I’ve gotten a number of new subscribers in the last month, so if you’re new to Pastoral Vibe-ology, this is a seriously unserious sub-Substack, and I, Joseph Lear, am serious about being unserious about PASTORAL VIBES.

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For those of you who aren’t pastors: (as Jesus says) do not let your hearts be troubled! Vibes are still for you because I’m a Pentecostal and I believe in the pastor-hood of all believers.

I’m glad you’re here 🥹

June’s Vibe 💃

As many of you know, I lost my job at Evangel. Don’t be sad for me, though, because I’ve entered my HUSTLE era.

Which is why this month’s vibe is HUSTLE 💪

We’re gonna GRIND THE GEARS of HUSTLE to forge a new chapter. Just don’t be (semi-)Pelagian about it. Salvation is by grace alone 😤

HUSTLE YOUR SERMONS

No, I don’t mean finding an online pastor who says you’re free to plagiarize his sermon series as your own.

I mean: you’re actually going to read the Bible, meditate on it, and ask Jesus to speak to you by his Spirit.

🫵 now THAT’S hustle 🫵

Nevertheless, to get you started, I’m going to provide you with some sermon title options. You can use them, but give me a footnote in your preaching manuscript so that at least you know you’re not stealing 🫆

Or, you know, just share the vibe:

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This month we’re going character-driven in our preaching, focussing on the HUSTLERS of the Bible:

1. Noah, who built a boat. Pretty big achievement. Allegorize the boat as the ship of salvation and hustle to get your fam (blood or otherwise) onboard.

2. Samson, who HUSTLED a lot of girlfriends. Weird take, I know. But allegorize the girlfriends as virtues, and connect it with last month’s vibe.

3. Paul, who made tents. Pretty lame job, but not nothin’. (Do you think he put a Bible verse on the care labels of his tents?) Anyway, allegorize tent-making as church-making to say everyone should be building up the church ⛪️

4. Finally (and obviously), Jesus, who convinced a bunch of people that he deserved their benevolence even though he clearly didn’t give a rat’s behind about the protestant work ethic. He was a leach, but give him cred for the HUSTLE.

   📢 And now a special word from our sponsor:

Hustling the Hustle by sharing Hustle Advice

Listen, I’m no expert. I’m figuring this whole thing out as I go. But, in an effort to show you that I have some insights into hustling (so that you'll support my hustle by subscribing), I’m going to give you my best hustling advice:

1. Marry a nurse👩‍⚕️. Nurses have job security like no other job except pastors. The difference is that nurses are always paid for their secure jobs (unlike pastors 😬).

2. 💰 Spend a lot of money you don’t have on a humanities PhD. It makes you love things other than money so you can be okay with your lot in life.

3. Be a person of integrity 😇. It will mean you lose your marketplace job for refusing to compromise your standards for the Almighty Dollar. But that is precisely how you become a HUSTLER.

4. Just die (in Christ) 😵. Don’t unalive yourself ☝️ because I love you and Jesus loves you even more. But if death comes knocking, attaining the resurrection of the dead by any means possible (cf. Philippians 3) is the ULTIMATE HUSTLE.

   

   click to SHARE the VIBE

   

   ---

Finally…The Poetics of HUSTLE

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Welcome to the latest edition of Pastoral Vibe-ology, an imprint of Pastoral Theology with Joseph Lear.

In this seriously unserious sub-Substack, I’m your atmospheric Viber of vibes.

May’s Vibe

You’ve heard of dudes Looks-maxxing and the ladies Glam-maxxing. But we’re NOT giving into the narcissist-influencer vice-maxx culture. Which is why we’re

☦️ VITRUE-MAXXING ☦️

🤩 We’re Making Modesty in our attire and our finances Great Again (MAafGA)!

🤯 We’re counting others more important than ourselves in our social media postings (and if you’re feeling bold, in real life too).

💥 We’re selling all we have and giving to the needy in order to be poor in spirit (okay, not everything, just some things because Jesus couldn’t have been serious about that).

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Sermon Series

As always, I’m here to help formulate your next sermon series. I mean, who needs the lEciTionArY when you have the vibes?!

This month we’re MAXXING the three theological virtues: Faith, Hope, and Love

1. Faith-Maxxing: We’re not just praying for the sick 🤒, we’re praying for the healthy too!

   👉 Make sure to preach about how we’re all gonna die anyway (#resurrection).

2. Hope-Maxxing: Forsake the vice of wishing and gamble on God.

   👉 Be sure to mention that sports gambling is still worse than playing the stock market.

3. Love-Maxxing: Invite your enemies to church this month!

   👉 This is not an invitation to greet one another with a holy kiss ‘cause #churchtoo 😬

Men’s and Women’s Ministry 🤝 Swap

In order to truly virtue-MAXX, men are adopting feminine virtue, and women are adopting masculine virtue. Like Jesus.

Masculine Feminine-Maxxing

• Men are gonna dress more conservatively than any pastor has ever advised women to. Cover those knees and ankles, shoulders and elbows. #Proverbs31husband

• Men are gonna say sorry for things they don’t need to apologize for.

• Submit(!!!) to your wife and lady-boss. Like Barack to Deborah, ya know?

  Thanks for reading Pastoral Theology! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Feminine Masculine-Maxxing

• Women are gonna be wild at heart.

• Women are going to fight a lion in a pit on a snowy day.

• Women are only reading from the Men’s Devotional Bible (the one with the army camo and the cross made out of weapons of mass destruction).

And now, a 📣 shout out 📣to this month’s very supportive sponsor.

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To keep the VIBE, let’s remember some important talking points about the competition

🙂‍↔️ Utilitarianism is for capitalists, dictators, and red coats.

🤓 The categorical imperative is for antitheistic chumps.

🤲 Epicureanism and Stoicism are BOR-ING

🫵 Divine Command Theory is for the fatalists and predestinarians.

I know these are fighting words. But that’s the whole point of virtue-MAXXING.

Oh, and if you don’t know what any of this means, DO NOT use AI to look it up. Be virtuous and read a book.

Finally, behold virtue-MINNING.

Do you think it’s chocolate inside? Because some people are about to eat it 🥴

DON’T FORGET TO SHARE AND SUBSCRIBE PLEEEEEAAAAASE

We’ve gotta keep the vibe MAXXED together 🤝

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In this jokey and unserious sub-Substack,

I’m your personal viber of VIBES.

The Vibe

Bad news everyone: The vibe is 🚫 OFF 🚫 this month.

I’m a little late on this post, and I’m now realizing that the reason I’ve been struggling to declare April’s vibe is because the vibe is, in fact, totally OFF.

Here are the top three reasons why the vibe is OFF:

1. I Didn’t Get the Herky Job

After unceremoniously losing my job at Evangel University, I was standing on the promise that those who wait on the Lord will rise up on

🪽WINGS LIKE HAWKEYES 🪽(from the Iowa Revised Version of the Bible).

I waited, but Herky’s wings weren’t for me. I will now take 40 days of fasting in a corn field 🌽 where the devil will no doubt tempt me to ride the wings of a State cyclone 🌪️ 🤮

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2. The President is joking (?) about being Jesus.

And it’s, like, really killing the vibe this Easter season.

Doesn’t that pic really just tick you OFF? And didn’t the LORD say that those who make themselves like God will be cut OFF from the people?

Well, that’s why the vibe is OFF.

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3. Jesus Hasn’t Come Back Yet

And that’s a real bummer. I know it’s only been like a couple of days since Easter (that is, a couple thousand years in God-days).

But I’m about to scream in a desert, kill a camel, and make some honey-grasshopper popsicles to hurry him up.

This song is on repeat:

We Gotta Bring the VIBE Back

Here’s how we do it:

• Baptize Herky and all college football mascots. Make them all Christian. That’ll teach ‘em.

• Start a No Jesus But Jesus protest in every major city in America. Young men only. In togas. Who flee the rally naked.

• Make Flannelgraphs Great Again as an ecclesial rejection of the AI pig slop of prodigals.

• Pray “Your kingdom come,” like, a lot.

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Finally, here’s some sermon ideas despite the vibe being OFF

• Jesus is Lord

• No one else is Lord

• You’re not Lord

• I’m not Lord

• Only the Lord is Lord

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In this jovial and unserious sub-Substack,

I’ll be your coach, calling all the VIBIEST PLAYS, enabling you to outplay the competition with skill and finesse.

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March’s VIBE

As always, from the 1st whistle we declare the VIBE of the month:

It’s 🥴 DRUNK 🥴

With Spring Break and St. Patrick’s Day right around the corner, we need a vibe for the church that matches the appeal of debauchery while retaining necessary holiness.

That brings us to our verse of the month to support the vibe of the month:

“Be not drunk on wine🍷 (which is debauchery), but BE FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT.” -Ephesians 5:18.

Like Peter on 🔥 Pentecost 🔥, we’re shouting WE’RE NOT DRUNK!

But we are filled with the Spirit 😏 🥴.

🔊SERMON SERIES

You know and I know how hard it can be to write sermons, which is why I always give you a series idea to carry you through the month—and always in keeping with the VIBE.

Here’s some 🍺 DRUNK-vibe 🍺 sermon ideas:

Naked Noah, Drunk On Wine // Naked David, Drunk on Spirit

The Foaming Wine of God’s Judgment: Reflections on the Likelihood of Booze in Hell

Drunk Uriah, Dead Uriah: The Slippery Slope of Fermented Potables

WWIII is Coming: The Wine of Sexual Immorality, The Whore of Babylon, and The Wrath of Jesus’s Drunken Sword.

The🫸 Anti-Vibe 🫷

Last month, we introduced for the first time the anti-vibe. Back at it this month, our ANTI-vibe is BUZZKILL.

Here are the top buzzkills 😖 of the DRUNK Vibe:

• Sin

• Death

• Legalism

• Alcoholism

• The Devil

• Janky coffee ☕️

  

  And now, a 📣 shout out 📣to this month’s very special (and perhaps once in a lifetime) sponsor.

🧠 Pastoral Theology Ponderings

This month, we’re digging in deeper and fielding some of the controversial theological questions about this month’s DRUNK vibe.

👉 Psalm 78:65 says that God rouses himself to fight enemies “like a strong man shouting because of wine.”

😧 Is it okay for the Bible to say God is hungover?

👉 Eli told Hannah to put her wine away when she was crying at Shiloh.

😧 Is it okay to be a sad drunk (in the Spirit), or only a happy one?

👉 Finally, Can Episcopalians and Reformed Theobros get into heaven with how much alcohol they imbibe (😧😧😧)?

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🍻 Finally, The DRUNK of the Month

This month we’re handing out our first-ever award: The Drunk of the Month.

The recipient of this award is recognized for

• The Fruit of the Spirit (not of the vine) in their lives, and for

• Being a party animal (like Jesus was).

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Drunk of the Month award goes to…

…

The lead pastor of my church, Resurrection Assembly of God,

🎉 Rev. Abby Anderson 🎉

Raise a glass (of non-alcoholic beverage) to congratulate her.

Click HERE to Congratulate

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In this unserious sub-Substack,

I’ll be your sommelier of pastoral style and swag, guiding you on a vinyard tour of ecclesial elegance.

The FEBRUARY vibe

We begin with this month’s vibe: 🥰 Lovey Dovey 🥰

January news gave us too much🫸 hate 🫷, which is why we welcome this month’s vibes with open arms.

Like a big ol’ bear hug.

We’re not going to shy away from good old-fashioned, ring-by-spring romance—but we’re also not limiting lovey dovey to courtship.

🥰 Lovey Dovey 🥰 is also about friendship and good feels towards all.

Annnnnnnnd, the “Dovey” is the Dove of the Holy Spirit, Who is the Love of God poured into our hearts.

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🔋SERMON SERIES

This month, we’re doing a sermon series on the Song of Solomon (you never would’ve guessed, right?)

Here’s some sermon series ideas:

Two Fawns, Twins of a Gazelle: The Breasts of Christ and the Milk of the Gospel

Let Him Kiss Me With the Kisses of His Mouth: The Trinity as Kisser, Kissed, and Kiss.

Peering at Jesus Through the Lattices: Kingdom Anticipation ≠ Voyuerism

The Young Stag (Jesus) and the Perfect Dove (the Holy Spirit): Awakening Escahtological Love When It Pleases

The Anti-Vibe

This month, for the very first time, we’re also introducing an 🤮 Anti-Vibe 🤮

February’s anti-vibe is CREEPY.

The creepy vibe is…

➡️ Not keeping sex within the bounds of holy matrimony.

➡️ Annnnnnd the inability to handle time-honored friendship across gender lines.

In conjunction with Anti-Vibe, we’re also naming our first-ever Creep of the Month. Please make your vote for the nominees below.

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Now, a word from our sponsor:

February’s Lovey-Dovey Vibe Sponsor is

👨‍💻 Josh Butler 👨‍💻

Publicized by The Gospel Coalition,

Cancelled by Exvangelical Influencers,

Josh Butler is still here to tell us that sex is all about God,

and literally everything (sort of)

We thank him for his sponsorship

and for giving us Christian NSFW (Not Safe For Worship)

👛CULTURE CHANGER CORNER 👛

This month, rather than making top-down cultural change through our influence, we’re asking provocative questions to foster better boundaries through curious conversation.

1. Side hugs: Do they make things less awkward or more awkward?

2. The Billy Graham Rule: Does it apply to people who experience same sex attraction?

3. Is it time to kiss singleness goodbye now that Joshua Harris got divorced and exed his evangelicalism?

4. Purity Culture: Was it really that bad?

   ---

Finally, don’t forget to give Lovey-Dovey, Spirit-led valentines to that special someone in your life.

Here are some valentine ideas:

• “Hey girl, is that a head covering or are you just prepping to prophesy?”

• “Young man, you must have fled youthful lusts, because your virtue is exemplary!”

• “Hey friend, wanna be my beloved disciple?”

• “Is your name Elizabeth, or have I just seen an angel? Becuase I’m speechless.”

• “Hey king, is your name David? Becuase you’re ruddy and handsome.”

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In this unserious sub-Substack, I’ll guide you in cultivating your personal pastoral aura and collective church atmosphere.

JANUARY 2026 VIBBBBBBBBBE

We all know someone who’s made a new year’s resolution to get into physical shape. Maybe that someone is yourself. What’s often forgotten is that we also need to get our souls into shape. With that in mind, I’m declaring January’s vibe is SPIRITUAL HEALTH.

It’s time to

GIRD UP YOUR LOINS 👖

PICK UP YOUR CROSS ✝️

And RUN THE RACE SET BEFORE YOU 💨🏃‍♂️‍➡️

💪 Sounds like a great workout, doesn’t it?! 💪

It’s for your SOUL.

💥SERMON IDEAs

1. There’s Another in the Sauna: He’s in the room! (feat. Tasha Cobbs Leonard).

2. Do Not Let Your Heart Be Troubled: Cardio for the Soul

3. Low Carb Spirituality: Sacrificing the Fat to the Lord

4. There is No Health in My Bones (Psalm 38:3): Osteoporosis of the Soul and the The Rib of the Second Adam

   ---

Remember that it’s really, really, really important to SHARE the VIBE to be part of the VIBE 👇👇👇

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Theological SHIFT →:

To better live into the VIBE of Spiritual Health, we’re shifting how we talk about our lives and theology to make our lives theological, and our theology lively.

→Health begins with small habits that ready the mind for action. So, this month we’re making our bed every day to fulfill the Scriptures: RISE PICK UP YOUR BED AND WALK.

→We’re calling the Lord’s Supper our spiritual SUPPLEMENT 💊💊💊

→And we’re calling the Revised Common Lectionary the healthy portions MY PLATE of the church:

SPONSOR SHOUT OUT

This month’s SPIRITUAL HEALTH vibe is sponsored by

The balm of Gilead

Got a skin disease? Leprosy? Swelling, Rash, or Discolored Skin (Lev 13)?

Try the BALM OF GILEAD

🧴The oil of gladness that heals all your diseases🧴

Your uncleanness shall be consumed and you shall be clean.*

(Side effects include angry Pharisees, Sabbath violation, and consecration to the Lord’s service)

*ineffective without faith

Finally…The SOUL HEALTH benediction

Beloved, I pray that all may go well for you and that you may be in good HEALTH, just as it goes well with your soul (3 Jn 2).

May the LORD restore you to full HEALTH on your sickbed (Ps 41:3)

And may you leap like a calf from the stall as the sun of righteousness rises with HEALING in its wings (Mal 4:2)

Stay strong. Stay soulful. Stay healthy.

KEEP SPIRITUAL HEALTH

KEEP THE VIBE

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In this unserious sub-Substack, I’ll be your Vib-er of Vibes, leading the VIBE, so that you can then vibe like I vibe.

The Viiiiiiiiiibe

First, an apology: I’m a little late in providing this month’s vibe. However, the silver lining is that this means the vibe has 🪄MANIFESTED🪄 itself. December’s VIBE is TARDY.

We all know how busy the holiday season can get. We can fall behind on just about everything. Well, this month we’re not apologizing for it. Instead, we’re calling it our spiritual discipline, and we’re inviting others to join in.

If at any point, someone points out that you are late, or that things are running behind schedule, respond—with all humility, of course—“YOU GONNA TELL JESUS HE’S LATE TOO?!”

💥SERMON SERIES IDEA

Consider preaching a series entitled, Better Late Than Never. Sermons might include:

• Jesus’s Return

• Stinky Lazarus, Slinky Jesus: On the Importance of Tardy Miracles

• Tardy Elizabeth: Old Ladies Can Get Pregnant Too

• Untimely Born: Paul, the Tardy Apostle

This is not actual footage of Jesus, but it’s close enough ⬇️⬇️⬇️

Remember that it’s really, really, really important to SHARE the VIBE to be part of the VIBE 👇👇👇

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🧑‍🌾 CULTURE CORNER

To really lean into the TARDY VIBE, we need be culture makers, not culture followers. Here are three ideas to get you started:

First, when people walk in late to Sunday morning service, publicly recognize them by name, and invite everyone to give them a round of applause.

Second, start a club for all the last-born children called The Benjamites.

Third, host a New Year’s Eve GENTILE party to celebrate the late admission of Non-Jewish people into the church. Serve bacon-wrapped shrimp and blood sausage.

💆‍♂️Finally, we conclude with an ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

As we face all the challenges of the holidays, let’s keep a 🏈 HAIL MARY 🏈 attitude.

Even when it appears too late to

• Get that last-minute present

• Grab a coffee with your high school bestie when you’re home for the holidays

• Propose to your girlfriend this New Year’s Eve

Go for the 🏈 HAIL MARY 🏈, remembering that the original angelic Hail Mary seemed late in Jewish history, but it turned out to be just on time 👌.

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In this unserious sub-Substack, I’ll be your cupbearer of vibes, taste-testing the buffet of personal branding so you can then make it all your own.

We begin with November’s VIBE:

This month we’re going PRO-FAMILY. Thanksgiving’s just around the corner, and Christmas after that, which means we might be around some of our less-than-adored blood relations.

To be PRO-FAMILY, we’re treating our family like church, and our church like family.

We’re not only resisting canned jokes about racist uncles and uptight mother-in-laws,

We’re also making an uncle out of the racist guy in Sunday School and a mother-in-gospel out of the “we’ve-always-done-it-this-way” church lady.

This month’s SPONSOR OF VIBES is…

🫂 Natural Family Planning 🫂

NFP puts the “family” in “family planning”

It’s not just for Catholics and Evangelical Quiver-full Homesteaders!

You too can *plan* on having a family with this PRO-FAMILY plan

Start now for FREE (costs come later 👶)

PAID FOR BY YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW

👊Preaching EMPHasis👊

This month, we’re going stylistically old school with three-point alliteration, like:

WE’RE PRO-FAMILY which means we’re

• Pro-BLOOD

• Pro-BABIES

• and Pro-BIOLOGY.

Here’s some other preaching ideas:

Don’t Provoke Your Kids to Anger (Eph 6:4). Rather than going *nuclear* on your family, keep your emotions *blended* with the grace of God.

Beyond Complimentarian//Egalitarian: The Apostle Paul’s End-Times Call to Singleness.

HAVE MORE BABIES: Procreation as Evangelism.

Your Best Wife Now: Jesus Was Single so You Don’t Have to Be.

⛪️ Culture SHIFT 📈

This month, we’re cultivating old timey Pentecostal culture in our churches by calling every baptized member “brother…” or “sister…”

So, for example, if you leave a comment on this Pastoral VIBE-ology, you should address me as “Brother Lear,”

Go ahead and practice ⤵️⤵️⤵️

Leave a comment

💁‍♂️ Men’s Ministry Ideas

◉ Gather the men of your church for a night of butchering fresh meat 🥩

→ Lesson: if Cain had just gotten some steaks, he might have *kept* his brother.

◉ Kinsman Redeemer Church Contract Signing 📝

→ No, you don’t marry your deceased brother’s wife, but you still have to take care of her.

💁‍♀️ Women’s Ministry Ideas

◉ Woodworking night to build and paint decorative stools 🪑

→ Lesson: Like the Hebrew women who gave birth so quickly they couldn’t get on the birthstool, God will quicken your heart and your offspring to godliness.

◉ Women and Children-only Snake Handling Service 🐍

→ Lesson: Crushing the snakes’ heads with our offspring’s heels is how we handle them (see Gen 3:15).

Finally…📢 CALL TO ACTION 📢

This month’s call to action is a call to affection: GREET EACH OTHER WITH A HOLY KISS.

‘Cause that’s what families do.

(please interpret this allegorically)

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Welcome to Pastoral Vibe-ology, an imprint of Pastoral Theology with Joseph Lear. In this unserious sub-Substack, I’ll be your connoisseur of vibes, providing you with all the accoutrements necessary to build your personal pastoral brand.

We begin with October’s VIBE:

This month we’re going ANTI-TECH. It’s getting chillier outside, which might tempt us to cozy up for an extended doom-sesh of Tik-Toks. But we’re reminding ourselves that though the scroll might be sweet as honey 🍯, the addiction is bitter 😖

☝️ Preaching EmPHAsis:

This month, we’re proclaiming TECHNOLOGY ESCHATOLOGY. Which means we’re giving into all of our most extreme conspiracies about Big Tech.

Is 144,000 the exact number of people globally who have never joined Facebook? YEP.

Will Big Tech’s algorithms ever prioritize the propagation of the gospel? NOPE.

Is OpenAI’s Sora, which makes realistic AI videos, competing with the dreams and visions of the Holy Spirit? PROBABLY.

Is social media the bottomless pit reserved for Satan? DEFINITELY.

Theological SHIFT →:

Use techy language to talk about all things God to make the point: Silicon Valley is all a shadow of God’s reality.

• God doesn’t “reveal” stuff to us this month, he “downloads” it!

• Refer to your glosses of Scripture as live-AI summaries.

• The Sabbath is now the Do Not Disturbath.

• And test the theological waters by calling the Holy Spirit the “Algorithm of Discipleship.”

📣 CALL TO ACTION 📣:

1. Finally recycle the white iBook G4 that you’ve been holding onto since 2006. Don’t think about how you're still paying for it because you bought it with your student loans which still aren’t paid off. Recycling is the green thing to do, and we’ve gotta offset the ChatGPT data centers’ carbon footprint somehow.

2. Get a cell phone locker at church. Tell members it’s better to have a cellphone locked up for a service than for one’s whole body to be locked up in hell 🔥.

3. Bonfires are making a comeback, and the youths are loving it. We don’t have secular CDs in hand to burn anymore. Dare I suggest we throw our phones in the flames? I’m kidding. (Am I?)

4. Switch your search engine to Duck Duck Go. Microagressions against Big Tech are all we have left: he who is faithful in little will be faithful with much.

To join the October Vibe-ology, SHARE. But do so ironically, because—y’know—the VIBE is anti-tech.

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